Fatherhood and Domestic Violence
by Tom Sylvester

A couple of years ago, shortly after I started working at NFI, I was at a bar in D.C., talking to a friend of a friend. We were having the typical "So, what do you do?" exchange. I said I worked at a non-profit that promoted responsible, involved fatherhood. "Yeah, I think fatherhood is important," she replied. A pause, and then: "But what about domestic violence?"

Her question caught me a bit off guard. "Um, obviously we're against that," I replied. But what I found surprising-and troubling-was her belief that efforts to encourage father involvement logically conflicted with efforts against domestic violence. I quickly learned that her concern is not unique. For example, opponents of government funding for fatherhood programs consistently invoke the specter of domestic violence.

It seems evident, though, that part of being a good father means, at the bare minimum, not beating your child's mother. Therefore, isn't focusing on domestic violence as a reason to be skeptical of fatherhood programs just an ideologically driven attack on the fatherhood movement?

No. At least, not necessarily. Domestic violence is a serious problem. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, each year there are approximately 1 million violent crimes between intimate partners. In about 85 percent of these cases, the victims are women. Low-income women are particularly at risk. Avis Jones-DeWeever of the Institute for Women's Policy Research reports that between 11 percent and 30 percent of welfare recipients currently experience domestic violence, and up to two-thirds of recipients are former victims. In an Oklahoma survey, 47 percent of divorced, low-income adults cited domestic violence as a reason for their divorce. Many women and children are poor because they fled abusive men.

These statistics help to explain why anti-domestic violence advocates are wary of fatherhood and marriage initiatives, especially those targeted to low-income communities. Some also worry that these programs promote a traditional, patriarchal model of gender roles rather than equal regard partnerships. Their fear is that these programs could push women and children into dangerous-even deadly-situations.

These concerns are understandable. But they are also at least partly misplaced. There is no logical or inherent conflict between promoting involved fatherhood and reducing domestic violence. Indeed, responsible fatherhood and healthy marriage efforts are more likely to be partners in the fight against domestic violence. That is, these programs are likely to lead to a reduction, not an increase, in domestic violence.

Why? First, despite the accusations of some uninformed critics, responsible fatherhood initiatives do not advocate father involvement at any cost or in every circumstance; they promote positive involvement of fathers in their children's lives. Thus, they help men develop healthy fathering skills, including how to appropriately manage conflict with their child's mother (whether married or not) and, often, how to deal with anger and other attitudes that can cause domestic violence. They also can refer men who have a history of abusive behavior to batterer intervention programs.

Second, a root cause of domestic violence is a distorted sense of masculinity as male tyranny. Whether driven by jealousy, anger, or insecurity, some of the most serious cases of domestic violence are committed by men who try to control "their women," both emotionally and physically. The responsible fatherhood movement promotes a model of manhood that stands in strong opposition to domineering, patriarchal violence. It teaches that one of the most important things a father can do for his children is treat their mother with respect.

Good fathers play an essential role in preventing domestic violence. When a boy grows up with a father who treats the mother as an equal, he will learn that being a man doesn't mean asserting dominion over women. Growing up with an absent or abusive father is a powerful predictor of male violence.

Likewise, fathers influence how their daughters expect to be treated. A girl who grows up with a loving father is more likely to become a strong, confident woman who won't tolerate disrespectful or abusive behavior from men. She'll know she deserves better.

In a recent Newsweek article, a group of prominent black women had a candid conversation under the rubric, "Time to Tell It Like It Is." Their words explained the importance of fathers for daughters as well as any sociological study could. Pop singer Beyonce Knowles said, "My father is a big part of my life, and that has always made me feel safe because I knew he was always there. Even now I don't need a man because I have someone who loves me and supports me without fail." Similarly, television host Star Jones explained, "My stepfather's love and devotion and the wonderful way he treats my mother-that's the kind of man I want."

In contrast, rapper Foxy Brown said, "I know my dad, and I love him dearly, but he didn't live with us. I think because of that I always hung on to guys too tight. I think it makes you lack confidence as a woman in your own skin without your father." MTV.com describes Brown as a "powerful female icon" due to her "highly sexual and ultra confident persona." But in the song that made her popular, she sang the refrain "Ain't no nigga like the one I got/ sleeps around but he gives me a lot." Despite MTV's talk of female power, those lyrics make far more sense in light of Brown's comments about growing up fatherless. They are not the words of a self-assured woman.

Finally, research on domestic violence suggests that, in general, marriage tends to be safer for women than non-marriage. Rates of domestic violence are significantly lower among married couples than among cohabiting couples. According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, never-married, divorced, and separated women are at much higher risk for abuse than married women. Other studies have found that the presence of children fathered by other men put women at greater risk for domestic violence from their current partners.

Should a woman marry an abusive cohabiting boyfriend, in the hopes that his behavior will improve? Of course not. Is an abusive father better than an absent father? Of course not. Nobody should stay in an abusive marriage. And nobody argues that marriage is a "cure" for domestic violence. While studies do suggest that married fatherhood may inhibit domestic violence, the data are not conclusive. What is clear is that the institution of marriage does not create domestic violence. No evidence supports a causal link between marriage and domestic violence.

Unfortunately, some well-meaning but misguided anti-domestic violence advocates still target marriage as the problem. In a few states, legislators have even tried to put "warning labels" about domestic violence on marriage licenses. At a rally last year in New York, activists marched in wedding gowns.

So, what can fatherhood programs and healthy marriage initiatives do to fight misperceptions and address the issue of domestic violence? Randell Turner, NFI's Vice President of Training and Program Development says that community-based fatherhood programs need to develop a clear policy on how to handle domestic violence issues. Turner suggests going to your local domestic violence coalition and asking for help in drafting the policy as well as obtaining resources and batterer intervention referrals.

David Blankenhorn, author of Fatherless America, has a good idea: arrange a meeting between anti-domestic violence leaders and fatherhood leaders and visit both fatherhood programs and domestic violence shelters. This could work on a grass-roots level as well, with domestic violence workers and fatherhood practitioners.

Indeed, perhaps the most important step is to reach out to anti-domestic violence groups. The Center for Fathers, Families, and Public Policy is one organization that has taken this initiative. The Center recently released a report, "Fatherhood Programs and Domestic Violence" (available at www.cffpp.org) based on a meeting held between leaders from domestic violence and fatherhood programs. While few concrete proposals emerged, these dialogues can go a long way in building understanding. Ideological differences may exist, but all can agree that domestic violence is bad and involved, responsible fatherhood is good. By clearing up misperceptions about each other and working together when possible, both anti-domestic violence groups and responsible fatherhood programs are more likely to succeed in improving the lives of women, men, and children.