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Hooking Up in College: Since our report on college women's attitudes towards sex, dating and relationships was released in July (Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right: College Women in Mating and Dating Today) I've been asked several times what the college guys think about all this. So when I run across college guys who want to share what they think, or when I read something about their perspective in the newspaper, I pay attention. "Tell Us About It: Advice for the Under 30 Crowd," by Carolyn Hax, is a syndicated advice column that presents itself as a hipper alternative to Ann and Abby. It runs in a number of major papers including the Philadelphia Inquirer, where I read this letter a few days ago: Question: I'm a college sophomore and I've never had a girlfriend. I've met only two girls that I liked enough to ask out, and they both said no. I know I shouldn't let that set me back, but I feel like I can't just go around asking every girl out until I find one who says yes. I mean, the point isn't just to have ANY girlfriend, right? Part of my problem is that it doesn't even occur to me to ask a girl out until we're already friends, which just makes things weirder. For the record, I don't have much better luck with random hookups at parties, either. If you've read our report, or if you're currently a college student, you'll recognize the scenario. Here's a young person (in this case, a guy) wanting to have a meaningful relationship (a girlfriend) but he has no idea how to make it happen. He has women friends. There have been at least two women friends he likes more than as "just a friend." He asked out each of the women and they each said no. He hasn't had much "luck" with hooking up. So what is he to do? Here is what the advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, has to say: Answer: You're patient, check; selective, check; going for it when you want it, check; forming friendships with women in the meantime, check; not hooking up randomly even though it's not exactly your idea not to, check. Saying suspiciously enlightened things, check.... But you've made me want to say something, thanks to a quibble I have with your question. You're asking out girls (two makes it plural, alas) only after you want them as girlfriends. You want a girlfriend, I get it. But "girlfriend" isn't its own category of human. A romantic partnership is, or at least should be, like a plain old friendship and then some; you give, you take, you see where the give-and-take takes you. If your friendships are healthy and it's just that you don't have a girlfriend, you're fine, you're just moving at your own pace....But if in other ways you aren't connecting, no girlfriend is going to fix that. In the meantime, you're looking past all the regular people worth asking out for no reason, but to know them better. Try asking someone somewhere for something, regularly and often, guys, girls, who cares, just for a human exchange. The better you get at it, the less it'll be about girlfriends, because you'll either have one or not feel the need. I find this reply to be simply astonishing. Instead of addressing this college sophomore's sincere question, she makes light of it. (Judging from this and other columns such as Dan Savage's "Savage Love," which runs in a lot of urban papers pitched at young people, abusing the person who asks for advice is considered coolly ironic for today's hip advice columnist.) At first, Ms. Hax comes close to addressing the heart of the matter when she says, "You're asking out girls only after you want them as girlfriends." This indeed is the problem. But the problem lies not, as Hax implies, with this college guy who genuinely desires a girlfriend, the problem instead lies within a social system on campuses doesn't support the goals that many young women (and apparently, at least some young men) have for meaningful long term commitments. In our study, which combined on campus interviews with a national telephone survey, college women told us that relationships on campus always have too little commitment or too much. Men and women either hook up - engage in sexual encounters which may or may not include intercourse - with no expectations to continue seeing each other afterwards, or they "join at the hip," meaning that within days or weeks of meeting they become an intensely bonded couple, sharing a bed each night, eating, studying, and doing laundry together, but rarely, if ever, going out on actual dates. People who don't want the intensity of a "joined at the hip" relationship usually feel their only alternative is to hook up, but they're often hurt by the emotional fall out of hook ups. So they feel stuck, much like this young guy. What's missing? In the past, college social life included a feature called "dating." Today, "dating" either means just hanging out or it describes one of these "joined at the hip" relationships. In the past, however, college women and men would go together on pre-planned activities in which the intended purpose was to see if that little spark you felt for someone signaled a potentially deeper attraction. Going on a date didn't commit you to getting physically involved (although of course it could happen) and it definitely did not require that you become a committed couple - in other words, boyfriend and girlfriend - before, during, or immediately after the date. It was just a date. Today, however, as many women in our study observed, the only people who go on dates seem to be those who are already boyfriend and girlfriend. The letter writer above, who only asked out women he would want to be his girlfriend, is operating similarly. He doesn't know of any way to get to know a woman better, romantically, before signaling his interest in commitment to her. But he has found that hanging out with these women as friends isn't going anywhere, and hooking up doesn't work either. Further, since today "dating" usually signals intense commitment, we can imagine that the young women he asked out probably saw this nice guy asking them on a date, full of pleading and vulnerability in his eyes, pictured themselves suddenly "joined at the hip" with someone they barely knew, and said no thanks. He never had a chance. Yet, instead of raising issues like this, the advice writer, Carolyn Hax, makes the guy feel like a total weirdo. She accuses him of not being able to "connect." She raises some doubt about whether his friendships are "healthy." She insinuates that maybe he's too much of a nerd to be able to hook up. She teases him for only asking out two women so far. Most of all, she belittles his interest in having a genuine relationship. Forget about asking out women who you would like to have as girlfriends, she says. Just ask out "someone somewhere for something...guys, girls, who cares." After all, having a girlfriend is just "like a plain old friendship and then some." With this statement, Carolyn Hax effectively compounds the guy's confusion. A romantic relationship is not "just like a plain old friendship and then some." It is categorically different. Think back on your own experience. Does falling in love really feel anything like making a good friend? When you're falling in love your stomach churns, your head feels light, you can't eat, you can't sleep. When you do fall asleep you dream about your beloved. When you're separated, you obsess about them. You think about their face, their hands, their voice. When you see them, it's like the clouds have broken and light is pouring forth on the earth. You trust this person with your deepest feelings. You want to plan a future together, perhaps marry someday, perhaps have children. This is the meaningful relationship this guy is seeking, the same thing for which young people throughout history have yearned. This is why he's asking for help. Yet, in an advice column that mirrors our culture's response, he's told to settle down, be content going to the movies with "girls, guys, who cares," and to examine his own attitude towards relationships to see if it's "healthy." The "better" he gets at this, he's told, "the less it'll be about girlfriends, because you'll either have one or not feel the need." Nonsense. He will continue to "feel the need," because the need he expresses is at once the most basic and one of the loftiest needs we have. For today's young people, the need for a deep, meaningful, and lasting relationship with another person will not go away. Older adults, including parents, social leaders, and advice columnists, would do well to recognize that a typical college student is at times consumed by this need. Instead of ignoring it, rationalizing it, or hoping it will go away, we should listen, recognize that the social system on campuses is part of the problem, and do what we can to help. Source: Tell Us About It: Advice from Carolyn Hax, "College guy is looking for a girlfriend, but without success" Philadelphia Inquirer 12/19/01, Page C2. |
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Institute for American Values |
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